journaling

When I moved out of my parents house I tossed all of my old journals.  I didn't have the space to take them with me and I couldn't bear the thought of someone {my parents and brothers} actually reading them.  I was young and can only imagine the teenage angst that was scribbled between those lines.  

• Heartbreak spilling out after I asked Dave to go out with me while standing in the hallway outside of the gym, and he said no. 
• Scribbles of fights with my best friend Kristen during the moments we didn't get along.
• Page after page of boy crushes and unrequited love.  Thinking I would never find someone and be destine to spend the rest of my life alone.  

Yes, it was all there.  My heart filled up those pages.  My journal was my best friend.  It was always there for me no matter what.  It caught everything I threw at it and never once judged.  I could speak honestly in my journal about sneaking onto the golf course with Greg when I never should have agreed to go out with him in the first place.  

When Dustin and I moved I packed all of my journals into boxes.  I was surprised to see how many I had accumulated over the years.  Pages and pages telling the story of how I arrived here. I flipped through some of them and was instantly brought back to the moment.  

• The fear and excitement that swirled in me on the day I was waiting for Amy and Gail to pick me up for my first trip into the woods at Squam Lake.  The uncertainty of the unknown and the thrill of what could be.  
• The sadness that poured out on the days I lost my Grandfather and Nana.  I understood there passing but watching my brothers and parents cry completely broke my heart.  It was a moment where standing beside someone and giving them a hug was all I could do.  The page held my tears.  
• My heart beating two times fast the day Dustin walked into my life.  The way I instantly knew that it was going to be so good.  The gushy words, the way love spilled open, the excitement of something knew.  I was able to relive our first few moments together through the words I wrote on the page.  

When I show up in my journal words spill.  When I look back on what I have written I realize how far I have come and it helps me navigate where I want to go.  There are many stories that I skip over.  Writing them down once was all I needed to release.  It is wonderful though to have them there as a testament for what I went through, how I showed up, and how I kept stepping forward no matter what. 

As I have grown so have my words.  The teenage angst has luckily past and the words that spill are raw, honest emotions.  My journals are my road map. They provide me a place to plan, dream, and let go.  There show me where I was, how far I have come, and help me jump boldly into the future.  

What do your journals hold?  Do you look back on them or toss them after they are filled?

Are looking to kickstart your journal writing or dive deeper into your practice?  I would love to be your guide.  Join me for 21 days of brave journaling from November 1st - Nonvember 21st.