Since losing my mom four years ago Mother’s Day has become a reminder that time with our loved ones is finite. We never know when the day will come that we have to say your final goodbye to someone we adore. Either you will have to say goodbye to someone you love or they to you. It is inevitable.
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Dear Mom,
Three years ago you left to walk a different path. It was all so sudden and unexpected. One minute you were given a clean bill of health and in the next moment cancer had consumed your entire body. You fought incredibly hard and were courageous beyond words. Even in your final days you never stopped mothering us. Telling us to not spend so much time at the hospital; "you have lives to live" you had said. But there was no other place we wanted to be but by your side.
You now watch over us and send signs to let us know you are there. Each time a sign is received it is a ripple effect of emotion and we all feel the love. Right before we were about to go on the boat to visit the spot we spread your ashes Father found the tiniest of feathers. It warmed our hearts deeply.
You should see the feather collection I have accumulated. Always at the perfect moment I find one and it brings a smile to my face. I think about you everyday and am grateful for the conversations we have in the pages of my notebook. You help guide me forward. Even though you are not here in person your spirit is still strong and vibrant in my heart.
We continued our yearly tradition of gathering together to celebrate you. Of course it was at your favorite spot, the beach. What a gift you have given us in your passing. You have made us all appreciate the importance of family and take time to spend with one another. This weekend together is a blessing and we all feel you right there with us.
Some of us headed out to where we spread your ashes to drop sunflowers into the water. You would love the way they float on top of the sea. It is such a beautiful site to watch them drifting. While we were out there they were getting ready for a sailboat competition. I remember you always saying you dreamed of owning a sailboat.
We then spent the day swimming, laughing, enjoying each others company, and eating delicious food. The kids also shared the Grandma June memories books they have made using all of your scrapbooking things. These little books hold so much love and bring back so many incredible memories.
At sunset we all gathered at the end of the dock to toss more sunflowers into the river and blow you a kiss. I still remember standing in the funeral home linked arm in arm and Father asking us all to blow you a kiss from the grandkids. It was wonderful being together and watching the sunflowers drift. This year they took right off towards the canal. Maybe they were headed to Chadwick Island.
We all miss you so much. Thank you for making us strong enough to get through this. Thank you for always watching over. Thank you for teaching us that family is everything and sharing is caring. You are forever in our hearts.
Sending you so much love!
Love,
Jennifer
It was three years ago that my world changed forever. Changed in a way I never thought would happen at that stage in my life. Yes, I knew one day I would be motherless but I never knew that day would arrive before I turned 35. Before I ever got married. Before I had any children. Before we ever had to have the conversation about "going into a home" which she always joked about.
I thought there was time.
I thought there was so much time. But time is a funny thing. We feel like we have endless amounts of it and then it is taken away from us and we cannot comprehend what just happened.
And now here I stand; a daughter without a mother. There is a huge piece of my heart missing and I know that no matter what I do it will never be filled. Only my mom could heal that space and she will never get the chance to.
It wasn't always rainbows and butterflies.
My mom and I had our fair share of differences. But as I grew older, we grew closer. She became more than my mom but my friend. She arrived at my doorstep with chicken soup when I wasn't feeling well. She always checked in to see how I was doing. Made my my favorite meal on my birthday. And there were many nights spent crafting or roaming the aisles of TJ Maxx trying on the most ridiculous hats.
There was laughter and inside jokes. Family dinners and trips down the shore. There was love, lots and lots of love and so many memories made.
As I come upon this three year anniversary, motherless I will continue to share the stories. I will share the laughter and even the moments when she would drive me crazy. It is in this sharing that I feel closest her. I appreciate it when people ask me about my mom, when I am reminiscing about her, and when individuals do not shy away from these types of conversations.
I may be motherless but my mom lives on forever inside me.
I remember the day my mom dropped me off at college. It was only thirty minutes from my home yet I would be living on campus and life as we both knew it was changing forever. Her little girl was growing up and would no longer be sleeping in her bedroom right down the hall each night.
As I walked through the arches on campus I tucked into my heart all the lessons my mom had taught me growing up. At the time she bestowed these lessons onto me I didn't appreciate them. But as I entered this vast unknown territory I had a feeling I would be leaning deeply on all that she embedded into my heart.
This was one of her favorites. She said it often and always reminded us of it when we forgot. There were times she didn't even have to tell us because she showed us. Like when she shared a bit of her sandwich if we were hungry. Or gave us the towel to dry off first if we only had one after swimming in the ocean. Letting us pull up the crab lines to check if something took hold. Taking us to the park when what she really wanted to do was stay home and nap.
What mattered most to my mom was family. When she was with her family her face would light up. But mother/daughter relationships aren't always easy and there were years my mom and I struggled. Through it all she never stopped showing me how much she cared and that family is always there. On our birthday's she would have us over for our favorite meal which she would cook and you could see what joy it brought her to have us all gathered together.
My mom never went on fancy vacations or cared for the most expensive and extravagant things. What mattered most to her was time together, a memory made, laughter, family trips. She enjoyed arts and craft and creating things. She gave gifts from the heart and knew that it was the moments together that made up a beautiful life.
I remember when I lived on my own and I wasn't feeling great. Nothing crazy, just a cold that knocked me down for the count. My mom showed up at my door with medicine and warm soup. She tucked me into bed, made sure I had everything I needed, and took care of me the only way a mom could. Yet she didn't do that for just me. She took care of everyone around her. From watching after her friends kids while they went to work to caring for a friend who was dying of cancer. She showed up. She picked up tissues strewn all of the floor. She made sure you were comfortable and she cared deeply.
There are many other lessons tucked into my heart from my mom. Lessons I will never forget and follow day after day. It is because her that I am as strong, as brave, and as kind as I am. She taught me to work hard, follow through, and not quit until it's done. She taught me to love deeply, reach out, and invite others in. She also taught me to not take life to seriously; to laugh at the corniest of things and appreciate the feeling of sand between my toes.
My mom taught me so much, but most of all she taught me to be proud of who I am. Some days this lesson is harder to remember than others. But I do know that I am always growing, always learning, and always becoming. And even though my mom isn't here to see it; I know she is still cheering me on.
What lessons has your mother taught you?
We were talking about how I used to suck my thumb when I was younger {not sure why, but we were}. "I did it for a really long time" I said. "How long" he asked? And I didn't know the answer. I just always remember my mom telling me that it was a long time. Longer than I ever should have been.
They know how old you were when you learned to ride a bike. They know where they were standing when you were running up the stairs and knocked your two front teeth straight out. They have all the details of the time you and your brothers rearranged every christmas ornament on the tree and when you were the accomplice when she moved your dads car at the park-n-ride.
They remember the day she dropped you off at college and how she cried in the car on the way home because you were growing up so fast. She was there the night your prom date picked you up. She helped you get your car fixed when you had a fender bender in the parking lot, and cheered you on at every track and cross country meet.
Recently I was trying to find out my exact birth time and no one in my family knew what it was. It was then when I realized that so many of my childhood stories live with my mom. She knew all the details and helped us all sort through the scattered memories we had.
She used to joke about how I put out every pair of shoes for the Easter Bunny when I was younger. We were only supposed to leave out one pair and the bunny would drop in a piece of candy, but I pulled them all out and lined them up neatly. I am not even sure where this tradition came from but I do know if my mom was here today she would have the answer. She would also know the exact time I was born and be able to tell me story of how it all happened. I know it involved them being at a halloween party the night before and her waking up with clown make up still on, but that is all I know. Little bits and pieces of memories from when I was small.
The moments you live become embedded on your moms heart forever. You are an extension of her and she remembers every tear, every smile, every heartbreak. It is etched onto her heart forever and wherever she goes she carries it with her.
Today is the two year anniversary of my mom's passing and I am trying to hold onto all the memories. Laughing as our message in a bottle floated back to us again and again because we couldn't throw it out far enough. Sitting on the beach chatting. Arts & craft nights. That one time she came to visit me and everything changed. Her thoughtful gifts and home made seashell decorations. Our trip to Brooklyn. How proud she was cheering me on for the marathon. There are so many memories and I do not want to let them fade.
Catch all the memories you can if you still have the chance. Ask to hear the stories over and over so they are forever etched onto your heart. Listen deeply and jot them down. And if you don't have the chance to hear them again replay the ones you have and hold them close.
Life flashes by in the blink of an eye, but it is you memories that remind you of what made you who you are. Hold onto these memories and savor them deeply.
For as long as I roam around on earth there is a story that will play on repeat in my head. The story of how two words shattered my heart and changed my life. This is a tale I never thought I would have to tell. Yet here I stand, telling it again and again.
It is two years later and I am still picking up the pieces of that broken heart. I am trying to put it back together again but like a plate that busted as it hit the floor there are a few missing pieces that can't be found. You glue the plate back together, but it is never the same. Yes, it is usable but the cracks are visible and you know you have to be a little extra gentle each time you use it.
This is how my heart feels.
You may not be able to see the missing pieces but I can feel them and I know I need to be tender. Especially in this moments when the memories come flooding back and those two words play over and over again in my mind.
Stage four
Two words that if spoken separately provoke no concern. but when you string them together everything changes. Hearts break. Worlds come crumbling down. Life as you know it becomes changed forever.
He and I stood outside the hospital room as the Doctor was talking to my parents and I didn't want to bust in and interrupt. My mom had been rushed their earlier in the day and we had little details of what was wrong. She has just battled breast cancer and my initial thought was maybe she wasn't feeling well because of the radiation. As we stood in the hallway waiting the door of the hospital room closed and my heart sank. I felt helpless and afraid.
Waiting for what felt like an eternity my mind quickly ran through every worse case possible scenario. Yet none of these scenarios prepared me for what I was about to hear. Stage four. The cancer has spread to her liver and her lungs.
I felt as if someone had completely drained the oxygen from my entire body and I was unable to breath. I stood in front of the one women who protected me my entire life and my immediate instinct was to do whatever I could to protect her. I did not want her to feel the fear that was swirling inside of me. I did not want her to know the millions of questions I had no answers to. I did not want her to see me cry. I stood there, being as brave as I could concentrating only on the next immediate moment in front of me and not letting my mom see my crumbling heart.
As we walked outside the hospital I was deflated. How could this have happened? A mere few weeks ago we just celebrated her being "cancer free". What was going on? I felt exhausted and drained.
"At least it is stage four" he said.
I looked at him quizzically. "Stage four is the worst" I replied.
And even though it was heartbreaking in that moment it was those two words that made me smile. I realized that even in the hardest of moments there is love and compassion. He just wanted to be there for me and make it better. Even though he knew he couldn't stop the pain he wanted me to know that he was there for me. As we stood next to each other I knew that I was about to face one of the hardest journey's of my life but I wasn't going to have to do it alone. Together we would navigate this newly shattered heart.
open your heart & share your story
Hello I'm Jennifer! A writer, podcaster and heart-centered guide. I believe in the power of the written word and am here to guide you in opening your heart.
