dear mom

dear mom,

A year ago yesterday you left this world for another.  I still cannot believe you are gone.  I will never again get to hear your laughter or try on funny hat's in the store with you.  How is that possible? It feels like a lifetime since we were in the hospital room surrounding you and yet I can't believe that it has already been a year.  

What amazed me most about the day you passed was as I was crumbling to pieces life around me just kept moving on.  I would see strangers in the coffee shop going through their ordinary moments, rushing from here to there and I wanted to scream out: "my mom just died".  My heart heavy, my eyes on the verge of spilling tears, I didn't know what to do or how to act.  I learned a valuable lesson that day; we never truly know what someone is going through, which is why we should always choose kindness.  

There is so much I want to tell you about this past year and yet at the same time it feels as if there is nothing to say.  Time has gone by in the blink of an eye.  So much loss, so much sadness, so much heartache.  I want to thank you for all the signs you have given me.  All the feathers you have placed on my path.  Each one of them reminds me that you will forever be close in my heart.   

Yesterday we gathered with family and your old friends in the backyard.  We just wanted to be together on such a difficult day.  There was a threat of torrential down pour and incredible thunderstorms, but you know Father ... he hung up a tarp as high as could be and was prepared for the rain.  As Dustin and I were driving down it was pouring and I couldn't help but think back to your 60th party that we threw in your honor a couple weeks after you passed.  Father had said you didn't want a surprise party and you showed us!  This time I think you realized how much we all needed to be with one another and you told the rain to stay away.  It was nice to be together.  

Things around here aren't the same without you.  What I love most is that I see you in so many things that I do.  You had such ease and a way with your grandkids. You let them be kids, get messy, explore, and have fun.  You weren't concerned about the mess you were simply enjoying the moment.  I find myself doing the same things with them and I always think of you.  "Your parent's might not let you do this, but grandma would ... so let's do it" is what I think.  The other day Hannah and I were in your backyard and we were looking at all of your flowers.  She wanted to pick some and of course I let her because I knew you would have done just that.  

You taught me so much about patience.  About appreciating time with family and making a point to get together.  For you it wasn't about the big and fancy things.  No not at all, rather it was about the memories that we could make together and the laughs that we could have.  For this I am most grateful.    

I appreciate all of the time we spent together.  Sitting by the pool in my apartment complex, shopping trips were we bought nothing but had a whole lot of laughs.  Time at the beach.  Crafting together.  Long talks and open hearts.  Girls trips.  Standing on the highway in Pittsburgh.  The memories go on and on.  You and I both know it took a long time for us to be close but it was most definitely worth the wait.  You had become much more than my mom, you had become my friend.  

Even though you aren't here in person anymore I still feel you all around.  I look up to the sky and see your smile.  I talk to you every single day.  A beautiful sunset reminds me of you.  I am running the NYC Marathon in your memory this year.  Each time I am out for a run I think of you and how much you loved the marathon.  I know that you will be cheering me on from above.  

I wish you were here with me right now, sitting on my porch watching the sun go down.  We would be giggling like school girls and probably working on some type of craft.  Know that you are always in my heart every single day.  I am grateful for every memory, every moment, and all the love.  

Sending you a giant hug and blowing up a kiss!

xo ~ Love